Inspired to write about this to understand myself better.
Tweet from Akif Basri is about how to respond to someone or friends if they're saying they're not doing okay.
I'll use those questions to myself and try to answer them.
Right now I think I'm feeling empty.
1. Apa yang buat kau rasa macam tu?
Feel like my life is so plain like it doesn't spark joy anymore
2. Apa yang ganggu fikiran kau?
Life is just not how it used to be. I was happy, I was living life. Now I'm just breathing because I have to.
3. Boleh cerita lagi, aku nak cuba faham situasi kau.
I got retrenched and it was my dream job. The job was something I always enjoy doing, it keeps me high spirited every start of day and excited for more at every end of day. I has wonderful colleagues whom I'm comfortable being in my own skin and be free to be me. My bosses are smart and nurturing, the workplace was nice with places to chill if you're tensed from work. They have trust in you, so long as you don't break any rules and you get your job done by when it should be done. I get to do stuff and explore new things, I felt young and alive and now at 28, I feel like life is just so plain and dull and has no meaning because I lost so much. I've always had unplanned adventures with ex-colleagues because we felt like doing something and went ahead for it. I love those.
I've moved into a new workplace where there is not connections outside of working. These people are like old souls, I can't relate to them, I don't know how to connect to them. Then came MCO. All possible connections whatsoever is further limited. dah la we have nothing in common to begin with. they're all super good in the job and I'm just a noob (really a newbie in this field). I was independent and always have my mind set on my goals but after the job I got retrenched from, I realized I've got comfortable with my life and did not venture out of my comfort zone for more than 3 years. It is either I'm spoiled or I'm just not ready to move on. I mean it's been more than a year and I could not find that will to live without it. Things change, I like change because I know it's for the better. But, I'm going through such a difficult time going through change now. eight months into new job, new norm and i'm still struggling. It's like I'm not living at all. so plain. so dull.
4. What makes you feel that way?
I think I am an introvert but without social interactions I feel dead. I guess it's because I don't do things for fun anymore now. I can't. I can do it myself but it's more fun when you do it with your friends, or just with other people. I guess I crave for that interaction and random adventure.
5. Would you like to talk about it?
What's the point. It's not going to solve anything and it won't make me feel better for good. By expressing how I feel may temporarily lightens the burden, not totally lift it.
So... I can rant on and on and on. People can understand but they cannot change the fact that some things are left in the past and you can't bring it back. It won't be the same.
My ex-colleagues and I have gone our separate ways to live life. Like it or not, our life revolves heavily on our job and career. My dream job emphasized on work-life balance and I had no stress after working hours. Current job promises vast knowledge but I get so easily stressed out because I feel like I'm getting very minimal guidance on how to do my job. I want to be good at it but I don't know how and I don't know who to ask. every new assignments give me new team members and I'll try to be friends but so far on my 4th attempt, I still can't find a friend in them. They either have their own group of friends or we just didn't match well to be good friends. kalau setakat kawan kerja, boleh lah. tapi nk lepak2 lepas kerja, memang xde la. xde bonding. memang la kau tukar team members every assignment but at least you have someone, at least, to talk about your day and they will be able to understand and relate. also can maybe provide solutions or suggestions to your problems because they actually work at the same place as you. They would know.
Why am I where I am now? I know deep in my core that this is the Grand Plan by the Almighty, I know it's for my own good and I have faith it in. But, it's not an easy path to walk.
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